


Flawed

by broken_sunshine



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Anorexia, Cutting, F/F, F/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 19:21:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_sunshine/pseuds/broken_sunshine
Summary: Dru’s on a mission. A suicide mission. She has a goal. A dangerous one. She’s done with being flawed. She will be perfect just like her big sisters. Even if it kills her.Updates every Wednesday.Warning: This story might be triggering for people dealing with self-harm or an eating disorder.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own TDA or the characters. 
> 
> Warning: This story might be triggering for people dealing with self-harm or an eating disorder.

I look at the flawed reflection in the mirror. Black mascara is smeared all over my puffy-red face. My trademark Blackthorn eyes are bright red. My brown hair was a giant bird's nest. There’s nothing pretty about me.  
   
I’m chubby and short. I’ll never be model thin as Livvy. And I’ll never have Helen’s gorgeous golden locks.  
   
I will never been perfect or flawless.  
   
Why live? Why go on with life? That’s when I decided to kill myself, but not yet. I had to become flawless first, or as flawless as I could.


	2. The Decision

Family gatherings never went well. My family’s the black sheep out of all the Blackthorn's. My father had two kids out of wedlock and then married a woman who was not the mother of his bastard children. Also, my sister Helen is married to a woman, which is another huge no no. My brother Mark is dating a woman, but she’s not white, which is another big no no. Helen’s wife is Asian, which makes her the devil to Aunt Marjorie. Aunt Marjorie is an old woman with traditional views. My family has broken every single one of them.  
   
We're nothing like my dad's cousin family. His cousin Rupert  married a girl from a wealthy family. Then they moved in together after they got married and had a handsome well-behaved son. My aunt loves them. She however doesn't like my family or my Uncle Arthur that much. He's quite strange though. He's a lot like Arthur Wesley from the Harry Potter books.  
   
Anyway, I digress. Helen and Aline are living in France now so they don't have to go to the stupid gatherings. Mark is currently off serving in Afghanistan so he’s also not around. Arthur stopped coming a long time ago. At family gatherings it's the other Blackthorn family, my parents, my older siblings Julian, Livvy, and Ty, and then my one younger sibling Tavvy.  Marjorie loves Tavvy though.  
   
We had one of those stupid start of the Summer BBQs at my dad’s cousin mansion. It didn't go so well. My dad finally let my aunt have it. He called her a stupid bitch. Also, he said that he wasn’t surprised she was a virgin at eighty years old. He then left with a very dramatic exist. I was kind of proud of him until I realized he forgot to take us with him. Dada left us there with one car, which is not enough for my family. My mom and the twins, Ty and Livvy, went home and got another car. In that time though my aunt started screaming at the three of us that were left.  
   
That's when it happened. She called Tavvy a cry baby and she called me ugly, which wasn't the first time. Julian then was pissed. He took Tavvy's hand then looked at me, "Come on guys. We're going." Julian quickly walked off. Like father like son. I tried to quickly to catch up to Julian’s long strides. Before I could I heard my aunt yell, "Maybe, you'll lose some weight for once fatty!" I froze for a moment before I continued running.  
   
The three of us waited in the front yard before Mom came back. The whole time I tried to hold back tears. I had never been called fat before.   
   
The rest of the day went by fine. It was actually a lot of fun. I forgot about my aunt's hurtful words.  
-  
I started my sophomore year the following year and it sucked. I had been home schooled up until then. My mom decided she wanted to get back in the classroom herself and became a professor at the local community college. Mom went to school so the rest of us were forced to as well.   
   
Sophomore year just seems to get worse. I am constantly getting teased and bullied. I’m a loner. I have absolutely no friends. The boys make comments about how curvy and thick I am. The girls call me fat and ugly. I come home from school crying everyday. I now hate my reflection. All I see in the mirror is how fat I am. All of my siblings are stick thin and gorgeous expect me.   
   
That’s why I decided I need to lose weight. If I ever want anyone to like me I need to lose weight and a lot of it. I was going to become beautiful no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted June 14, 2017.


	3. Change

I was home alone for once. It was weird how quiet the house was. I didn’t even know it was possible for the house to be this quiet.   
   
I was happily burrowed in my covers. When Julian left to college I finally got my own room. The original plan was for the twins to have their own rooms and then I was to share with Tavvy. Luckily, the twins didn’t like that and wanted to share a room. So, the twins share and Tavvy and I get our own rooms.    
I decided to best way to stay on track was by creating a Tumblr account. I got my laptop out and got to work. Making a name was hard. I didn’t want to make it obvious that it was me, but I always wanted the name to be me. I eventually went with the name uglysister7. It seemed fitting enough.   
   
I quickly followed other accounts about anorexia. I found quotes I liked and wrote them in my notes on my phone so that I could look at them no matter where I went.   
   
This was my start to a big change. A good change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted June 21, 2017.


	4. The New Boy

I started working at the coffee shop by my house the second I turned sixteen. I loved working at the place. It was a cute little coffee shop called Java Jones. I had been there for a while now. 

My manager told me that they had finally hired another person. Not many people worked here. Which was fine with me because then I got more shifts and could earn more money. I was training the new guy. His name was Jaime. That’s all I know. That and that he’s coming today. 

The shop was super slow today, which wasn’t unusual for a Wednesday. My goal today was not to eat for a full twenty-four hours. It’s pretty easy to lie and tell my parents that I ate breakfast at school, and then it’s really easy to skip lunch at school when you have no friends. No one notices. 

I was organizing the tea bags when my manager Jace walked over with a handsome Mexican man following him. “Dru, this is Jaime. Jaime, this is Dru.” 

We shake hands. “Nice to meet you.” He tells me.

I smile at him, “You too.” 

“Dru, will show you the ropes and want not. So, I’ll leave you to it.” Jace then leaves. 

“So, what’s first?” He asks me. I show him how we organize everything and the cheat sheet of how to make every drink. Then we end up talking when the shop is empty. “How old are you?” 

“I’m sixteen.” I tell him. 

“Really?” He seems shock. 

“Yeah, I just turned sixteen in July.”

“You look so much older.” He tells me.

“I get that a lot. What about you? How old are you?” I ask him.

“I’m nineteen.” He tells me. 

“Are you in college?” 

“I’m going to community college right now. I have no idea what I want to do.” He confesses. 

“I have a few siblings doing the same thing.” I tell him. Ty and Livvy were going to community college ad living at home to save money. Both wanted to transfer to a university for their junior and senior year. 

“How many siblings do you have?” 

I laugh, “Um, I’m the sixth out of eight. So, I have six siblings. Oh! I also have a sister-in-law. So, seven if you count her.”

“There’s seven of you?” I nod my head yes. “Wow, your poor mom.”

I roll my eyes, “My two eldest siblings are my half-siblings from my dad’s previous relationship. Also, the two above me are twins, so my mom was only pregnant four times.” 

“You say that like that’s easy. I have a lot of respect for women. Like the tax on tampons is bullshit.”

I laugh, “I think I’m going to like you. What about you? Any siblings?” 

“I have an older brother named Diego.” He tells me. 

“Nice. What’s he like?” 

“You know that guy who is literally perfect? Like he has an eight pack, 4.5 GPA, and then is super nice so you can’t hate them?” I nod my head yes. “That’s Diego. Or Perfect Diego. That’s what our friend Cristina calls him.”

“Oh, you poor thing. Do you only have a six pack and a 4.0?” I joke with him. 

He lightly hits my shoulder and we both laugh. “Shut up.” 

“You can’t tell me to shut up. I’ve been here longer than you so I’m practically your boss.” I tell him. 

My phone then goes off. I set a timer for twenty-four hours so that I would know when twenty-four hours was up. “What’s that?” 

I roll my eyes and lie, “My little brother likes to set random alarms on my phone.”

“That’s kind of funny.” Jaime says. He smiles. His smile is beautiful. He’s attractive and I can’t image that his brother is better looking than him.    

Today was good. I didn’t eat at all. Also, I have a new cute coworker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted June 28, 2017.


	5. Mad

Of course something bad happened the next day. My happiness never lasted for long. School was as terrible as always. When tavvy and I got home I noticed Julian’s car was in the driveway, which was weird. Julian should have been at college. He was going to a place called the Institute. It was about an hour away.   
   
“Why is Jules here?” Tavvy asks me.  
   
“I don’t know.” I tell him. “Let’s go find out.” We walk into the house. My parents, Julian, and the twins are all sitting in the livingroom. “What’s going on?” I ask.   
   
“Can you guys sit down?” Mom asked, but it wasn’t really a question. It was a demand.  
   
Tavvy and I looked at each other than obeyed. Dad then started talking. “Mom and I have to tell you guys something. Um…”   
   
“Kids, I have cancer.” The room seemed to become cold and lifeless. I felt like crying.   
   
“W-What?” Julian asked.   
   
“I have stage four breast cancer.” Mom never was one to beat around the bush.   
   
I felt a tear slip out of my eye. I quickly wiped it away and tried to quietly sniffle. My mom had cancer?   
   
“Why was it just found now?” Julian sounded angry. “I mean it’s obviously been there for awhile if your cancer is in stage four.”   
   
“They’re not sure, Jules.” Dad tried to calmly tell him. “They think it probably spreaded quickly.”  
   
“How long?” Livvy timidly asks.   
   
“Six months to a year. Maybe, more with treatment and surgery.” Mom tells us.  
   
“You’re doing that right?” I ask.  
Mom looks at me and smiles. “Of course.”   
   
“Good.” I tell her.   
   
“It’s going to be okay.” Mom says, but I know she’s lying.   
   
This isn’t okay. Nothing about this is okay. After, dinner that night I throw up. I’m mad at myself for eating. I’m mad at the world for giving my mom cancer. I’m so mad I felt like i was throwing up all the feelings I am burying deep down inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted July 5, 2017.


	6. Bad Thoughts

I know I needed to leave the gym soon, but I don’t want to. I used to hate going to the gym, but now I love it. I can work out all my anger. The mean things bullies at school say to me motivate me. All the stupids, weirdoes, and fat make me run faster or lift more weight. I had to cut it short today because my mom had her first appointment. I’m not sure how I ended up being the unlucky person who has to take her, but I am. No one wants to go listen to a doctor tell their mother about how they’re going to cut hr boobs off. 

I wiped off the last machine and then hit the showers. I could no longer look at my body. I hated so much. I now cry every time I see myself naked. I shower in a swimsuit and look at the ceiling the whole time.  

One day I’ll be able to look at myself.   
-  
I hated the hospital. The room we were placed in was small and smelled like bleach. I hated that smell. Maybe it was because growing up in a house of seven kids the house never smelled that clean. The room was also an annoyingly bright white. Stupid posters lined the walls with pictures of cartoon breast muscles.

I felt a squeeze on my hand. I looked at my mom who was in an awful tissue gown. She smiled at me. “Thanks you coming with me, Dru.” 

I smile back at her. “It’s no problem, Mom.” I was nervous, but I knew my mom was even more nervous. She was the one who actually was receiving the surgery. For once I needed to be the strong one for my mom. 

The doctor then came in. She had to feel my mom up in front of me, which was kind of awkward, but it was for medical reasons. The doctor started writing down notes and then told us, “We need to do the surgery ASAP.” 

“Okay, how do I schedule that?” Mom asked. I noticed she seemed out of it. Her eyes weren’t bright like usual, but hazy. 

“Monica at the reception desk will be able to help you set up a date.” The doctor then continued talking, “I’m not going to lie to you, this surgery is going to be super hard on you. You’re going to lose a lot of weight.”

For a brief moment I was jealous of my mom. I wish I would lose weight, but then I was mad at myself. How could I be that awful? My mother was about to undergo a huge surgery and then chemo and all I could think about was how jealous I was that she was going to lose weight. 

How am I becoming?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted July 12, 2017.


	7. A Moment to Breathe

It was weird. Today I didn’t care about my weight. It was weird, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders somehow. I could breathe for a second. I was thinking about how fat I was. Sometimes that happens when I’m around Jaime. He was my friend. 

We started hanging out outside of week about a week ago. After I told him about my obsession with horror movies he asked me if I wanted to go see one with him. 

I quickly learned he wasn’t the best with horror movies. He ended up jumping so high during the first jump scare and sent the popcorn flying everywhere. I of course laughed at him. He was a good sport about it though. 

“Nice, job spilling all the popcorn.” I joked. “Did you by chance pee your pants too?” 

He smiled one of his slightly crooked smiles and pushed my shoulder. “Shut up. We can’t all be Scream Queens like you.”

“Scream Queen?”  

“You know what I mean.” He rolls his big brown eyes. “How about you help me become a horror movie fan like you?”

“How would I do that?” I ask curious of what he might say. 

“We see one horror movie every week.” He tells me. 

“Okay. Then I’ll see you around.”

“See you.” He tells me then we part to our separate cars. 

Around Jaime my thoughts lessened. I felt like I could breathe for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted July 26, 2017.


	8. Under the Knife

I hand Tavvy’s hand as we watched the doctors start to prep Mom for her surgery. Livvy and Ty stayed home because Ty was having  bad morning, so taking him to the hospital won’t be the best idea. Helen couldn’t make it home and Mark was still deported. Cristina was coming to the hospital later though. Dad and Julian were currently getting everyone coffee and a juice for Tavvy. I could tell he was tired and scared. Once were got into the waiting room I knew I could probably get him to take a nap. 

Mom looked worried too. I could tell, even though she was doing a good job hiding it. I heard a knock at the door. I smiled when I saw Cristina. “Can I come it?”

“Of, course.” Mom says. 

Cristina walks in and hugs Tavvy and me. “Hey, guys.” She then goes over to Mom and kisses her cheek then hugs are as best as she can. “Hi, Mrs. Blackthorn.” 

“Cristina, it’s Eleanor.” 

“Sorry, Mrs-I mean Eleanor.” Cristina’s phone then started to wrong. “It’s Mark.” She answered. “Mark?” She pauses as he replies. “I’m at the hospital with your Mom, do you want to talk to her?” Cristina passes the phone to my Mom. 

Cristina then comes and stands by Tavvy and I. “Where’s everyone else?” She asks.

“Helen couldn’t make it home and Ty wasn’t having a good morning so the twins are at home. Julian and Dad should be back soon though.” I tell her.   
-  
An hour later Mom is in surgery and the rest of us are waiting in the waiting room. Everything was going fine. I was able to convince Tavvy to lay his head down on my shoulder and take a nap. 

“How long should this take?” Julian asks. 

“About three to six hours.” Dad answers. “Thanks, for coming Cristina.” 

“It’s no problem.”   
-  
Around hour three everyone was starting to get a bit grumpy. Julian and Dad looked like they could kill someone at many moment. Tavvy wasn’t feeling well, and Cristina looked sick too. 

“Mr. Blackthorn.” A doctor came out. “Your wife was losing a lot of blood, but is doing okay now. We just moved her into a recovery room.”   
-  
Mom looks so fragile and small when we see her. We only are with her for five minutes. Dad makes us leave so that Mom can get some sleep. Cristina takes Julian, Tavvy, and I home. 

On the way home is when I realize that I didn’t eat at all today. I’m proud of myself. For once I didn’t mess up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted August 2, 2017.


End file.
